‘Squid Game’ is undoubtedly awesome — though a lot of international viewers aren’t familiar with all the traditional Korean children games featured in the show.
Being Canadian, it isn’t hard to imagine how things would have gone if the Netflix Original series had been set in Canada rather than South Korea.
Game #1
Full Body Contact ‘Red, Light Green, Light’ on Top of a Dirty Pile of Snow.
We like the robotic death girl that shoots people — we want to keep her around. That’s why the first game will be a slightly modified version of the show’s existing ‘Red light, Green light’.
This time, however, it is played on top of a dirty pile of hardened snow. Whenever the robot girl stops singing — she immediately annihilates any contestant who moves, or gets pushed, off the crusty, crowded snowbank.
Game #2
Surprise Driveway Shoveling Game
Instead of randomly picking a symbol then discovering you have to chip it out of hardened sugar with a toothpick, the Canadian version implements an equally savage surprise.
Contestants will be asked to pick from a selection of different houses — ranging from a small studio apartment to Drake’s Bridle Path mansion — without ever being told the rules of the game. Once the selection period is over, they are then instructed to fully shovel the driveway of the house they chose — before time expires.
Game #3
‘Sudden Death’ Overtime Pond Hockey
Gather round everyone, it’s time for the extremely fair team event!
Everyone will now be split into teams of five to compete in games of sudden death overtime pond hockey.
Sure, some people can hardly skate while others have played in the OHL. Sometimes that’s just the way she goes, eh?
Game #4
Black Ice Stepping Stone Game
The ‘glass stepping stone’ game will be left largely unchanged.
This time, however, rather than have certain tiles collapse, the entire bridge is covered in a thin layer of freshly powdered snow, beneath which sits a long, slick-layer of black ice from end-to-end.
Game #5
Roll-up-the-rim cup collecting
Canadians don’t mess with marbles when it comes to games of chance and probability. For that, we collect Roll Up the Rim to Win cups from Tim Horton’s.
Teams will be split up into pairs for this event, just like in Squid Game, and then let loose in a replica of a typical Canadian neighbourhood.
Each contestant will be given three toonies and a loonie, and will be expected to buy, swap, and scavenge their way around the neighborhood in search of winning cups.
Contestants will only be spared if they can somehow amass five free donuts before time expires.
Game #6 (Final game)
Canuck Game
The final game, which we may as well call ‘Canuck Game’, is a head-to-head challenge between the two finalists that puts all the Canada-centric skills they’ve demonstrated to the test.
Simply put, it’s a no-rules fight — to the death — on a sidewalk covered in black ice — in the middle of a blizzard — drunk — while dressed in full hockey gear…
Both competitors must also carry a large double-double coffee in one hand, and are immediately eliminated if any gets spilled.
The loser of Canuck Game is then flattened into the ice by an industrial sized Zamboni — to serve as a good luck charm for future Canuck Game competitors.
The winner, meanwhile, never has to eat Kraft Dinner again. (or they could just eat more)